Well, that happened.

So, we’re all settled in our shiny new office. The kids are back in school (read: I can now have daily spankings again!) and all the chaos of the past few months is fading into something that looks almost like a normal life again. Well, normal for us anyway.

Wednesday night was the 15th anniversary of the release of Secretary, so we stayed up way too late watching it, and I have to tell you, it is still my favorite movie of all time. Funny though, how our perceptions of it have changed over time.

Way back when it was a new release, we saw it and loved it, but I was so sure that spanking and BDSM weren’t my thing (we were all about swinging back then) Still though, we thought it was a sweet love story, and a good look at how kink can heal us.

Later, when we were getting interested in BDSM, we rewatched, and were amazing by how much hotter it was. When you know you’re looking for a good spanking, it changes things. I thought then that E. Edward Grey was my perfect, ideal Master. (That voice, though. Mmmm.)

We kept watching it over and over as we grew into our selves, and with every rewatch, we understood something or saw something in a new light. As I understand subbie desires more and Master understood his own dominant drives, it started to be more of an in depth conversation than a movie night, when we’d get Secretary out. What did he mean by this punishment, what was she thinking when that happened?

Eventually, I started to realize that as much as I will always adore the E. Edward Grey character, he wasn’t my ideal anymore – he was a sweet, confused baby Dom.

The other night was no exception, we made it all the way through the movie, musing on new minutia all the way through.

In other news, I feel like I’m making headway on the social element of our kink. We have found a new place (still no good news on our original club re-opening) that looks promising, and we’re looking at getting something on the calendar after our upcoming work trip.

I’m also spending a lot of time on the Loving BDSM forum, and it’s a really fantastic online community. (Want to join up? It’s at http://www.lovingbdsm.net) It’s a little quiet over there yet, and I’d love to see more users posting on a sort of day to day basis (I know a lot of them are pretty active on twitter, but I spend too much time on my other 2 twitter accounts (author and work) to participate much.)

Do you have movies (especially kink related) that you watch and rewatch over time? Isn’t it interesting how we can feel how much we have changed by touching something that remains exactly the same?

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Crazy Life!

So much for my resolution to post every week! I’m behind. Again.


Life has been crazy – all good things. After working out of our home for the past 2 years, Master and I have finally signed the lease on our first real office! It’s a pretty big deal, and we’re all wrapped up in trying to get it furnished and running in time for the big opening party.

In the meantime, the kids are both getting over a case of strep throat – between that and the issues I’m having with my Mirena, kinky time has been a bit further between than Master and I would like, but I’m feeling so amazing this week, thanks to the Whole 30, I’m planning to ask for some bondage time tonight – it’s always a good way to get Master’s attention!

We’re talking through Loving BDSM’s 30 days of BDSM, and have had some really interesting, insightful conversations that I want to write about here once we have enough time to really sort out our thoughts. The main bullet points to come out of it so far though are:


Punishment. We both love funishment, and kinky fun time, and Master considers himself a bit of a sadist. We’ve been working on ramping up our BDSM outside the bedroom, and we keep hitting roadblocks – there’s something not sitting quite right with Master, but we haven’t been able to put our finger on what it is. In talking through one of the prompts, we realized that the truth is, between my physical limitations, and Master’s own internal dialogue – he doesn’t want to physically punish me. Not genuine punishment when I actually mess up (turning me over his knee when I am intentionally bratting in order to ask for it is another story altogether)

We talked through it over an entire weekend. He was startled to even realize that it was a problem – he likes the funishment aspect so much, he just couldn’t pin it down.

Once we realized that physical true punishment was the issue, I realized that while I’m perfectly happy to accept it, I don’t need it. And he realized that he has no compunctions about things like corner time or making me write sentences. And just like that we solved a problem that neither of us could name for years!

Communication. In really getting meta about talking about how we communicate, we came to the realization that our biggest challenge with communication (not that we perceive a big problem in that arena) is that Master communicates by what he calls “Negative Space” It means that if I say “What do you think about punishment?” then he often doesn’t think he has much to say. However, if I say “Do you think that you feel like the thing holding you back from setting more rules is because you don’t want to feel like you should physically punish me if I can’t comply?” then he’ll consider what I said, and either answer with a “yes, because” or a “no, that’s not it – it’s more like…” And suddenly, he has a hundred things to say. He just needs a jumping off point.

We have done this for years, but I don’t know that either of us really realized that it’s what he needs. When I get frustrated because he doesn’t have much to say, I don’t always realize I just need to jump to some conclusions so he can tell me why they are right and why they are wrong.

It can be an issue, because sometimes I need to hear things from him when I don’t have the psychic energy to play the ‘What’s he thinking’ game, but usually it works just fine. And now that we both recognize it, I’m hoping we can use that realization to work around it even more than we already do.

And that’s what’s going on in our world! I definitely recommend you check out the 30 days of BDSM e-mail program (www.lovingbdsm.net) – it’s a really good way to get talking about your relationship, even if you think you’ve been through it all!

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On Community

Sometimes, things happen exactly the way we need them to. Not always, not even often, but once in a while, all the pieces of your life come together just so.

This is relevant for a few reasons. First, this blog has been quiet again. Usually (with both this blog and with both of my day-job blogs) that happens when I’m not well. RA wreaks havoc with day jobs and kink indiscriminately. But I have good news. The RA has been largely behaving lately, thanks to the magical new medication I’m on, and my body has been more or less keeping out of my way (Yay!) I do have some things to discuss about the new Mirena IUD I am stylishly wearing these days and how it interfaces with my kink, but that’s a post for another day.

So, if my health is in line, why the quiet? The day job has been exploding. Master and I run our own business, and it’s been quietly humming along paying the bills for a couple of years now, but suddenly, these past few months, it has been keeping us more busy than we know what to do with. A particularly lucrative new contract has lined up with a particularly perfect lease on office space, which happened to line up just so with an old co-worker coming into our life who is interested in coming to work for us, and the alignment of these pieces has been nearly impossible to ignore. So, it looks like we’re going from our own cozy little outfit to a for-real and actual bricks-and-mortar business, complete with payroll and other clerical pieces that I don’t really want to think about. (I know, I know, I should be so jazzed with the chance to be a very subbie type secretary – it *is* my favorite movie in the world. And yet, in real life, I find the clerical stuff a bit less sexy, if we’re being honest…)

As we have become meteorically busy though, the space in our lives for ‘outside world’ kink has been almost non-existent. (I say outside world, because kinky bedroom time takes care of itself – after a certain window of time, it happens whether either of us planned it or not!) But munches, parties, our quest to try to make kinky friends of any kind, along with my plans of finding solidarity in the kinky blogging community have all been sidelined.

However, that worked out okay, because of our community situation. Let me explain. Last fall, we joined our local sex positive community center, a long standing pillar of the kinky community. I’d waited for years to join (thanks to our lack of babysitting options) but this place was on my radar years and years ago, when we moved to the area from across the country. I always knew I would join when the time was right, and could recite scheduled events from memory for years. Every time we drove by I’d point out the window and whisper to Master, “One day, that will be home!”

So, we joined, just in time to attend three events before the doors closed in preparation of a move to bigger, better facilities. From then until now, I have told myself “when they re-open, it will be time for us to start really taking part in the community.” Every month, I’d log on to the website and follow the news of the renovations in the new building, I’d keep tabs on the twin Dom / sub meeting groups that have been meeting an hour and a half away until the new center opens.

It has probably been a little longer than usual since I checked up on events, but Master and I have been expecting the grand opening this summer, so it was a bit of an unpleasant shock when I opened fet to see that the new building is a no-go. The community is crushed, and leadership of the group is ready to walk away and let someone new take over the group. I’d love to participate in that conversation, but honestly, I don’t feel like I got a chance to get enough roots to have a place at that table. I don’t even know how well we fit in this community – it’s really too soon to tell.

So. There are a lot of people in the area who are unhomed by this, and I suspect only a matter of time before our community finds a way to recover, but as someone having a fair bit of anxiety about joining any new social group, let alone a kinky one, I’m not sure what this means for our journey.

I know that an in-person community is important – I have felt so much better, in the past, when I was able to interact with people as my genuine self. That being said, as this door closes, in that helpful way life has, another door is opening.

Loving BDSM is my absolute favorite podcast in the world. When they went on hiatus recently, I was like an addict waiting for them to come back! So, it’s a lovely surprise that the ever entertaining Kayla Lords and John Brownstone return with a new website, including a forum. I’m hoping that I can find some piece of community there, at least enough to tide me over until the local community stops reeling over the loss of our center.

If you’ve never heard the podcast, check it out, they have a lot of good information to share, but more than that, for me Loving BDSM has already begun to help fill my need for normalcy in this lifestyle. Listening to the podcast is like having a conversation with a couple of good friends, who just happen to be kinky as fuck.

If you’ve heard the podcast, but haven’t listened lately, come join the community and check out the forum. I’m set up over there as BadBeauty. I’m off to post an introduction, hope to see some of you there.

(Next week, perhaps we’ll talk about Mirena. I’m hoping to gather some intel from other kinksters who have had experience with it.)

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Bullet Journaling for Subbies

After my last post, I don’t imagine it’s a big surprise that it’s been quiet around here for a couple of weeks. Things, however, are looking up. I have been resting and recuperating for all of January, but I’m on some new meds, and I think they’re working. I’m looking to start a pretty easy recovery workout plan in February, and then start pushing my limits in March.

I’ve been hard at work on my other resolutions too. I started a bullet journal, which I have wanted to do for a long time, and I am really loving the process so far. I have wanted to keep a journal as a part of my submissive journey for a long time, but couldn’t quite make it work, so I’m really happy with the combination of this blog, for talking through my thoughts, and my new bullet journal, for tracking my progress (complete with a special page every week that’s just for Master, so He can see how I’m doing at a glance and shower me with gold stars. Or not. )

My progress tracking involves lots of boring, mundane things that are very important, but more or less what you might expect. I am tracking my diet, water intake, exercise, weight. I am tracking important work tasks, and it is nice that Master can quickly and easily prioritize work items that He wants done sooner rather than later. It’s also useful to track RA symptoms, and interesting to watch those graphs move in response to the changes in my meds, but this is a D/s blog and those things are no fun, so let’s talk about some of the more interesting pieces!

One of my goals for this year is to start publishing erotica again (and I actually have a really fun plan to take that to the next level, but first I have to reclaim some of the ground I’ve lost!) In that vein, I’ve started actively blogging, and I’m tracking my goal to get writing again. I think, in that interest, I should set a goal to get some erotica up on this blog in February.

I’ve been talking about our social goals, and I’m tracking some of that in the bullet journal too. Master has asked that I compile a list of all of the events that we might go to in the month of February, so that’s in progress. Here’s hoping we finally get to a munch this month! In other social goals, I’m planning to start reaching out to some other bloggers this month. If I can’t make my hectic schedule accommodate munches or play parties, the least I can do is find some kindred spirits online!

Another interesting goal that Master has set me, He wants me to spend more time with my toys when He’s not around. At the beginning of the month, the original plan was that I would come, and then tell Him about it, every day that He’s not home. In my bullet journal (which I’m trying to keep all PG, since it’s literally by my side at all times, and I live with two teenagers) I call it my Moment of Zen. It’s been nice, and I mean, who doesn’t need/want more orgasms in our lives, right? But I have a plan that I think will make this initiative even more fun/productive.

Last week I got creative and took my Lelo Smart Wand (My absolute go to toy – I should write up a review at some point!) into the shower. Later that day, I was struggling with blank page syndrome during my writing time, and had the idea that maybe I should write a story about my shower, just as a writing exercise. Earlier today, I made a clumsy video with a couple of my toys (it is *really* hard to hold a phone, at an angle that actually lets you see anything, and work two toys at once, but somehow I managed it!)

Thinking about it afterwards, something really clicked for me. I think it will be easier for me to allocate time to give Master what He wants (which is basically just for me to come while I’m alone in the house) if I follow up by creating something for Master afterwards. Thinking about how to share it with Him while I’m doing it makes me feel more connected to Him, like I’m playing with Him, even though he isn’t there, which makes it more fun for me. Then, by either creating a video or writing about it, or whatever off the wall thing I come up with, I’m actually making a little space in my day for something creative. Finally, when he *does* get home, rather than just telling him that I spent my “Moment of Zen,” I actually can give him something that he likes (and giving Master good gifts is *hard*) and then, it is likely that more sexy fun times will follow. Win, win, win. I don’t know that I’m quite ready to share video at this point, but maybe I’ll share some of the writing that comes of it on the blog!

Finally, Master added a final note to my goals page (He was easy on me this month because it was a rough month) that for one day this month, chosen by me, he wanted me to wear my jewelled plug all day. Yesterday I was so proud to meet him at the door when he came home in my catsuit, collar and with my plug and my Luna beads all in place. It was (ironically enough) the first time I think I felt normal this month.

In addition to the RA flare, I’ve had the flu this month too, and any time I cough at all, Master puts away my collar until I’m breathing easily again. Obviously, I had missed my collar more than I even realized. When it was time for the kids to come home from school, and I went to get dressed in my vanilla clothes, I came back out and Master laughed and pointed out that I’d forgotten to take my collar off. Oops!

Having a place to track all of these goals (kinky and vanilla alike) has really helped me stay on track, and funnily enough, it’s helped me stay even more connected to Master. His having the ability to add things to my daily or weekly to do lists quickly and easily has led to Him giving me more direction, and His having the ability to check on my progress immediately at any time has definitely kept me more accountable. I’d love to hear more about how you’ve used your journal to enhance your kinky life!

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Real Life Intervenes

Work had settled into a comfortable routine – me finally hitting my stride in a new role, and finding out that I really love what I do (being able to work in my catsuit at Master’s side being a lovely fringe benefit.) Winter break started, and I spent an amazing week really appreciating the company of my kids, while they were out of school, in a way that I feel like I always try to do and don’t always succeed. I had family come to visit for the holiday, and not only did I enjoy their company, but was pleasantly surprised to find that Master found ways to keep me centered and remind me of our connection in the quiet in-between moments, putting to rest all of my anxiety about the visit and ensuing ‘vanilla time.’ I had big plans for a family session of New Year’s Resolution planning, along with an after-hours session where Master and I would plan some goals (and consequences) of our own. So, of course, real life came to intrude.

I struggled with whether I wanted to talk about my RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) on this blog. This is a sexy blog, right? And nothing about RA is sexy. But the truth is, my health and my relationship with BDSM are inextricably tied together. For long periods of time, my life is normal, and I can carry on in gloriously kinky fashion, but then out of nowhere, a flare hits, and everything is full stop. And I have things to say about how RA gets in the way of BDSM, and how I can often use BDSM to help me get through a flare.

So then, New Year’s Resolutions… First and foremost was to kick my fitness back into gear. On the morning of New Year’s Eve, I woke up with my entire shoulder, neck and arm locked up, in a considerable amount of pain (you’d think this would work out okay for me, being a masochist and all, but alas, the BDSM gods were never so kind!) So here I am, almost a week later, on heavy duty meds, and confined to bed rest, rather than running on the track or the elliptical at the Y. You could argue that diet is going well, since I only eat when Master brings me food and tells me, on no uncertain terms, that I must eat it, but I don’t think that counts.

Other resolutions – getting out to that munch or sub support group? Not until I’m out of bed. Writing in my new journal by hand with my new fountain pen? Did I mention it’s my right arm out of commission? Finally, I had resolved to keep up with this blog, and to make some contacts with other bloggers, try to make the world of blogging feel a little less lonely.

I was feeling restless and distraught today – work continues to pile up, I have the first session of a new class next week that I’m not sure I’ll be able to go to, I’m barely keeping on top of the kids’ schedules (almost forgot about a field trip), the Solstice tree is still up, and I don’t even want to talk about the glimpses of the house when I walk my path from bed to bathroom. And my resolutions sit on the shelf, gathering dust, put on hold before the new year even began, which is a record, even for me!

And then I realized that I could do this. I could write a post today, even if it’s not my most uplifting or informative. And as Master keeps reminding me, New Year is an arbitrary point in time, and my resolutions will be just as meaningful if I start them when this flare passes. Sometimes, everything falls into place, and we can throw ourselves into our plans with everything we have. Other times, maybe most times, real life intervenes, and maybe the skill that means the most is the ability, when that happens, to put one foot in front of the other, and pick out the one, little thing we can do.

Yesterday, I dosed up with pain meds, shaved my legs and my pussy, combed fresh dye into my hair, then climbed back into bed, more or less spent for the day. It was a baby step, but today I feel better for having done it, a little more myself. Today I’m writing this blog, and who knows what I’ll dare myself to do tomorrow.

So if your resolutions aren’t going quite the way you’d planned, find one little thing you know you can do, for today. As for tomorrow? I’ll let you know when I get there.

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Obligatory Holiday Post

This week, the world goes a little quiet. At work, in social circles – everyone is either leaving on vacation, or preparing for company, or just making preparations to celebrate however it is that they celebrate. Especially in kinky circles, it seems like many of us take a brief break from our kinky selves, in order to focus on our family selves.

I moved far away from a very big, very close extended family ten years ago, and though I see everyone as much as I can, from then until now, I have never been with extended family during the winter holiday. This year, my sister and her family will be with us for a week, and I am looking so forward to it, but also, just a little bit, I’m anxious.

For a whole week, Master and I will be locked in vanilla mode. With company in the bedroom across the hall, I don’t even know if I can wear my pretty, jingly sleeping collar. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t hard to keep the more sexual aspect of our relationship under wraps – we do, after all, have two kids.

It’s only, in contemplation of a solid week without the subtle reassurance of Master’s guidance, that I realize how deeply I depend on knowing it’s there. There are a thousand ways that submission is lots of fun – the game where he spanks my ass for missing a typo in a letter I just proofed for him, the jingle of my cuffs while I scurry around making copies and scans… (Working together while the kids are at school is pretty much my favorite game, if you hadn’t caught it) but I can let those all fall aside when we need to without much difficulty – they’re only games.

However, there are other ways where my submission is much more deeply ingrained in the center of who I am. When our routines fall away, I find myself anxious in a quiet, jangling, distracting way. It’s almost like living my life beside a white noise generator that emits a deep and constant reassuring hum, a thrumming that I can feel in my whole body. For that generator to suddenly shut down throws me into a state of constantly not hearing its presence – and its lack makes everything else hard to focus on.

This is the part that I most hope to get better at – holding on to that feeling of being safe, of being protected and guided when we can’t settle into our roles as fully as we might like to – a kind of shorthand that helps keep me from feeling lost and unmoored when the structure of our D/s closes up shop for official business.

We’re going out tonight, for a last point of contact as Master and girl before we descend into our vanilla selves for the week. I’m hoping we can find some ways to quietly keep the generator running, just enough to pull me through.

In other news, we managed to miss two opportunities for BDSM discussion groups this month, but again, holidays are good at wreaking havoc with kink. I’m hoping that as we settle into January, we can manage to get something on the calendar!

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A Reboot

So, I created this blog two years ago – in 2014. I was finding my place in the world as a submissive, and creating the blog was one exploration, in a series of attempts to gather my scattered thoughts. I started a journal, and bought a book that I was supposed to write in. Master and I wrote a contract that was way too formalized and ambitious for us to be able to keep up with (though we did our best for the month that the contract covered)

It was early in our journey, and real life has a way of steamrolling over the best of intentions. More than once in the days since I started this blog, I have pulled it up on my browser and said to myself, “I should really write more posts.” But I didn’t. (And I’m not going to lie, this isn’t even the only blog I have that is being sadly neglected. But that’s a concern for another day.)

Master and I have grown and changed and settled much more comfortably into our roles since I wrote that first post on dual natures. I’m hoping to write more about the way those years played out, but to keep it brief for today, as we put names to our D/s relationship, we would have brief bouts of very intensely living in our roles, then slip out of it. Did I still defer to Him on daily matters? Of course I did. Did He still put my collar on me at night? Well, after the ill fated contract experiment He did : ) But my capacity to think about D/s, muse on it and write about it was not what it is now.

So now, we find ourselves starting a new journey, as we take our first baby steps into building a community. We’ve been to a few very different events as we try to take a sort of survey course of what is available to us – An Oil-Wrestling competition (as spectators only, but Master gets a certain glint in His eye when He threatens to put me up next year that makes me nervous…), an orientation to our local club (which might not count as a kinky event, but is definitely a community building event), a high protocol service event and a related training session, a fundraising party for a local sex-positive foundation, and a massive costumed Halloween party. Next on our checklist is to get to a munch or a pair of top and bottom support groups that meet across the hall from one another. We have learned so much. And I find, surprise surprise, that I have a lot more to talk about now than I once did…

Finally, the last piece leading to this blog revival is that all of this community building has been leading me to new resources – podcasts and blogs and even a couple of web based educational (yet kinky) shows, and I spend every moment that I can, just absorbing everything – not just the information, but that sense of relief that comes from realizing that I’m not alone. Which leads me to the main reason I didn’t end up writing on this blog, back in 2014. It felt a little like shouting into a void. I mean, come on… Why and how was anyone going to find this little blog and read it, let alone respond or communicate with me.

But all my time reading kinky blogs has shown me that it isn’t a void. So, I’m going to start paying attention to the community, to participating in prompts and challenges, and trying my best to interact with other bloggers. And there is, of course, FetLife, which I’m trying to slowly build up as well.

I think I have a lot to say, and I hope that eventually, over time, I’ll have someone to say it to. Also, as I try to ramp the writing part of my life back up, both my non-kinky as well as my erotica, I’d like to share some of that here, and perhaps I’ll even add links at some point to buy my various erotica collections, if I ever have reason to believe that’s a thing that anyone would want to do.

So, let’s try this again. A different voice (while I like the flowery, poetic kind of voice in the old post, it lends itself far better to a once in a while erotica type post than to everyday ramblings), a different me, and hopefully I’ll make sense of a few things for myself, make my Master happy, and maybe even meet a few new people along the way!

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On dual natures

Where did it begin? How did I become what I am?

The lighter side of me might say that it was when I met the boy I would one day marry; when I whispered in his ear, blushing and unable to speak the words aloud that I wanted to be dominated, not knowing what they meant. Or perhaps it was when that very boy used the hypnotic power that his words had over me, not to wound or control, but to save me from my own worst impulses, back in days long before he had a conscious awareness of how to wield it.

The darker side might whisper that it was there, quietly waiting inside me even before that; that it drove me to batter myself against the shuttered walls of another boy, this one who felt that same power and used it to break me against myself, to push the limits of this little understood yielding he felt in me, childish and selfish in his intent.

Both are true. I have become accustomed to this dual existence, the dark and the light, the strong and the yielding, the spoken and the secret. But wherever it began, my submissive nature is a part of me, both complex beyond my ability to articulate and simple as the blood rushing through my veins, as the thrumming of my heart at my pulse points. It is earth shatteringly vital, like breath for the darker parts of my soul, and yet it is a secret part, not fit for the light of day.

And so Blushing Grace is born; a place to scatter my thoughts, to record my experiences, and perhaps to reach out to others who feel the same calling as I do, because it is so difficult to find peers when our calling is so secret; a place to shed light on all of the beautiful things that threaten to wither in the dark.

Blushing: because of the shyness that stills my lips when I would speak the name of what I am, when I would call my Master by his true name. And also, because of the rosy glow that his hands raise on the curves of my skin, the color of our play.

Grace: because of the smoothness that falls into my limbs when I am my truest self, when I kneel and bend before the strength of his love, when I find my own sense of beauty and poise. And also, because of the divinity that I find folded in his arms, beneath his shelter and in the place where we connect so closely that I can no longer find the separation between us.

And so begins my attempt to search, in words, for what exactly it is that I am; the history of how I discovered this part of me and the steps that I am still taking to allow me to embrace the hidden parts of my self; my search for some kind of grace.

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